She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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