I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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