dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
