we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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