We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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