don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
