I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize