Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
