there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
soo... how was my night?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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