loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
