Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
