I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
