That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
