I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
