Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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