Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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