woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
