I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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