But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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