HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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