Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
