Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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