I feel great
I just peed on a car
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
