I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize