Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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