My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
