He uses pillows to masturbate.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
