so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
