Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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