Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
