Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The uberlube is also flammable
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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