I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
