does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
