Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
