we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
where am i from again
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
