your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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