So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
