I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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