honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
