I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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