Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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