I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
