i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
