you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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