We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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