just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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