im six kinds of drunk right now
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
