Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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