God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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