watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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