Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
