She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
