im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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