i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
