the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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