At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
